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| Letter of complaint |
| 01.14.04 (10:38 am) [edit] |
I wish I could say the below letter was written by me but it wasn't. It was sent to me a long time ago and I just found it again. I think it's worth an airing.
Subject: [b]HOW TO WRITE A LETTER OF COMPLAINT[/b]
What follows is a superb example of English humor -- albeit a letter that was truly written and sent.
The piece suggests that Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP and/or cable companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain.)
Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your three-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks, my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment, what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are --shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief --- will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
A. Gorman
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posted by: thelaughingman (reply)
post date: 01.14.04 (3:26 am)
Very funny!!!! I'm still crying....
posted by: thelaughingman (reply)
post date: 01.14.04 (3:27 am)
Sure it wasn't so funny for A. Gorman
posted by: Andaloo (reply)
post date: 01.14.04 (4:11 am)
Reply to: thelaughingman
No, but it must have been SO satisfying to write!
posted by: Joolie (reply)
post date: 01.14.04 (7:14 am)
Who can afford to smoke B & H these days? I used to work for ITV Digital and let me assure you they were just as shit! Joolie xx
posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 01.14.04 (11:18 am)
Oh man. That really must have been satisfying to write. It warms my heart to know that the phone company there is just as terrible as the phone company here.
posted by: Andaloo (reply)
post date: 01.14.04 (12:31 pm)
Reply to: Joolie
Just out of interest, how much does a pack' of fags cost in UK now? (All Americans please stop laughing). They cost the equivalent of one pound fifty here.
posted by: Joolie (reply)
post date: 01.17.04 (3:25 am)
Reply to: Andaloo
Well B & H can cost about £4.50, sorry don't know the equivalent in euros! I've been told to give up boo! Joolie xxx
posted by: SusanofPudlin (reply)
post date: 01.17.04 (6:26 am)
Nice- get up, get dressed, read Andaloopy, piss self. Laundry restored, shower needed. Nice. Thanks. Especially about the two small deposits.
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