London NW1 -- A pointless survey commissioned by the Mail on Sunday has revealed that many Britons have an aloof or belligerent attitude towards the United States. The survey, undertaken by an independent polling company, also revealed that many Americans feel the opposite way.

"The special relationship," Mail contributor Maureen Snodgrass told us, "is actually more like that found between two rival ninjas. They will treat each other with upmost honour, but be looking to kick each other's ass behind closed doors."

"Yeah," added Daily Mirror boss Piers Morgan. "Ninjas."

Our own survey, conducted on the streets of Edinburgh, revealed that most British citizens think Americans are "fat, ugly, brash cretins who should die die die". A companion survey undetaken in New York City revealed that most American citizens think Britons are "cold, uppity, ugly simpletons with an inflated sense of how important they really are, who should die die die".

Critics who dismissed both surveys as an excuse for rampant xenophobia were shot by lions, sewn through with snakes and made to sleep with French people.