I haven’t been able to post or read much lately because I’ve been busy with my family. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas to everybody out there who celebrates it, and let’s hope that common sense will prevail throughout the world in 2005. Whoever you are, wherever you are, enjoy.

PS   A note for anybody who has my “jofish” email address; That account has gone belly up and I’ve lost all my contact addresses. Please send me your email address in a private message.

Afrikaans - Geseende Kerfees en 'n gelukkige nuwe jaar
Albanian - Gézuar Krishlindjet Vitin e Ri!
Amharic - Melkam Yelidet Beaal
Arabic - I'D Miilad Said ous Sana Saida
Aramaic- Edo bri'cho o rish d'shato brich'to!
Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Aromunian - Crãciunu hãriosu shi unu anu nãu, bunu!
Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Bahasa Malaysia - Selamat Hari Natal
Basque - Zorionak eta Urte Berri On!
Bengali - Shuvo Baro Din - Shuvo Nabo Barsho
Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce
Brazilian - Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo
Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloav ezh mat
Bulgarian - Vasel Koleda; Tchestita nova godina!
Catalan - Bon nadal i feliç any nou!
Cantonese -Seng Dan Fai Lok, Sang Nian Fai Lok
Choctaw - Yukpa, Nitak Hollo Chito
Cornish -Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Corsican - Bon Natale e Bon capu d' annu
Crazanian - Rot Yikji Dol La Roo
Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Creek - Afvcke Nettvcakorakko
Croatian - Sretan BozicCzech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Danish - Glædelig Jul og godt nytår
Duri - Christmas-e- Shoma Mobarak
Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar! Egyptian - Colo sana wintom tiebeen
English - Merry Christmas & Happy New Year
Eskimo - Jutdlime pivdluarit ukiortame pivdluaritlo!
Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian - Rõõmsaid Jõulupühi Head uut aastat
Euskera - Zorionak eta Urte Berri On Faeroese - Gledhilig jól og eydnurikt n?ggjár!
Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Finnish - Hyvää Joulua or Hauskaa Joulua
Flemish - Zalig Kerstfeest en Gelukkig nieuw jaar
French - Joyeux Noël et Bonne Année!
Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!
Friulian - Bon Nadâl e Bon An Gnûf
Gaelic -Nollaig chridheil agus Bliadhna mhath ur!
Galician - Bon Nadal e Bo Ani Novo
German - Frohliche Weihnachten und ein glückliches Neues Jahr!
Greek - Kala Christougenna Kieftihismenos O Kenourios Chronos
Greenlandic - Juullimi Ukiortaassamilu Pilluarit
Hausa - Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara!
Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka (MC) Hauoli Makahiki Hou (Happy New Year)
Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Shana Tova
Hindi - Shub Naya Baras
Hungarian -Kellemes Karacsonyiunnepeket & Boldog Új Évet
Icelandic - Gle?ileg Jól og Farsaelt Komandi ár!
Indonesian -Selamat Hari Natal
Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish -Nollaig Shona Dhuit
Italian - Buon Natale e Felice Anno Nuovo
Japanese -Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Jèrriais - Bouan Noué et Bouanne Année
Karelian - Rastawanke Sinun, Uvven Vuvenke Sinun
Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Krio - Appi Krismes en Appi Niu Yaa
Kurdish - Seva piroz sahibe u sersala te piroz be
Ladin - Bon Nadel y Bon Ann Nuef
Lappic - Buorit Juovllat ja Buorre Oddajahki
Latin - Natale hilare et Annum Nuovo!
Latvian - Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno Gadu!
Lausitzian - Wjesole hody a strowe nowe leto
Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu ir laimingu Nauju metu
Livian - Riiemlizi Talspividi ja pagin vonno udaigastos
Low Saxon -Heughliche Winachten un 'n moi Nijaar
Luxemburgish - Schéi Krëschtdeeg an e Schéint Néi Joer
Macedonian -Streken Bozhik
Malay - Selamat Hari Natal
Malayalam - Puthuvalsara Aashamsakal
Maltese - Nixtieklek Milied tajjeb u is-sena t-tabja!
Mandarin - Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noaMaori -Meri Kirihimete
Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh
Mongolian - Zul saryn bolon shine ony mend devshuulye
Monogasque - Festusu Natale e Bona ana noeva
Norwegian -God Jul og Godt Nyttår
Occitan -Polit nadal e bona annada
Oriya -Sukhamaya christmass ebang khusibhara naba barsa
Papiamento - Bon Pasco y un Feliz Aña Nobo
Papua New Guinea - Bikpela hamamas blong dispela Krismas na Nupela yia i go long yu
Pashto - De Christmas akhtar de bakhtawar au newai kal de mubarak sha.
Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag unen hallich Nei Yaahr!
Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia
Portuguese - Boas Festas e um feliz Ano Novo
Punjabi - Nave sal di mubaraka
Pushto - Christmas Aao Ne-way Kaal Mo Mobarak Sha
Raeto-Ramance - Bella Festas da zNadal ed in Ventiravel Onn Nov
Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Rhetian - Bellas festas da nadal e bun onn
Romanche - Legreivlas fiastas da Nadal e bien niev onn!
Romani (GYPSY) - Bachtalo krecunu Thaj Bachtalo Nevo Bers
Romanian - Hristos s-a Nascut si Anul Nou Fericit
Russian - Pozdravlyau s prazdnikom Rozhdestva i c Novym Godom
Sami - Buorrit Juovllat
Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Sardian - Felize Nadale e Bonu Cabuannu
Sardinian -Bonu nadale e prosperu annu nou
Scots Gaelic -Nollaig chridheil huibh
Serbian -Hristos se rodi
Surinamese (SRANANTONGO):Wan Santa Bedaki
Serb-Croatian -Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina
Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Sorbian - Wjesole hody a strowe Nowe leto.
Somali - ciid wanaagsan iyo sanad cusub oo fiican.
Slovakian - Vesele Vianoce a stastny novy rok
Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene - Vesele bozicne praznike in srecno novo leto
Sorbian - Wjesole hody a strowe Nowe leto
Spanish - Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo
Swahili - ºKrismas Njema Na Heri Za Mwaka Mpyaº
Swedish - God Jul och Gott Nytt År and S Rozhdestvom Kristovym
Sudanese - Wilujeng Natal Sareng Warsa Enggal
Tagalog - Maligayang Pasko at Manigong Bagong Taon
Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
Thai - Suksan Wan Christmas lae Sawadee Pee Mai
Tok Pisin - Meri Krismas & Hepi Nu Yia
Tongan - Kilisimasi Fiefia & Ta'u fo'ou monu ia
Trukeese - Neekirissimas annim oo iyer seefe feyiyeech!
Tswana - Keresemose o monate le masego a ngwaga o montsha
Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian - Veseloho Vam Rizdva i Shchastlyvoho Novoho Roku!
Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
Vepsi - Rastvoidenke i Udenke Vodenke
Vietnamese - Chuc Mung Giang Sinh - Chuc Mung Tan Nien
Welsh - Nadolig LLawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda
Xhosa - Siniqwenelela Ikrisimesi EmnandI Nonyaka Omtsha Ozele Iintsikelelo Namathamsanqa
Yayeya - Krisema
Yiddish - Gute Vaynakhtn un a Gut Nay Yor
Yoruba - E ku odun, e hu iye' dun!
Zulu - Sinifesela Ukhisimusi Omuhle Nonyaka Omusha Onempumelelo

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa, ni un raton se movia; carramba, que pasa?

Los ninos were all tucked away en sus camas, some in long underwear, some in pijamas. While mama worked late in her little cocina, El viejo was down at the corner cantina, living it up with amigos, carrajo!, muy contento y un poco borracho.

The stockings were hung with mucho cuidado, in hopes that old St. Nick would feel obligado, to bring a los ninos both buenos y malos, a nice batch of dulces y otros regalos.

Outside in my yard there arose such a grito that I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito. I ran to the window y mire afuera and who in the world do you think that it era? St. Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero, came dashing along like a crazy bombero! And pulling his sleigh, instead of venados, were eight little burros, approaching volados.

I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre: Ay Pancho! Ay Pepe! Ay Cuca! Ay Beto! Ay Chato! Ay Chopo! Ay Maruca y Nieta!

Then standing erect with hand en su pecho he flew to the top of our very own techo. With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea, he struggled to squeeze down our old chimenea. Then huffing and puffing, at last in our sala, with soot smeared all over his traje de gala, he filled all the stockings with bonitos regalos, for none of the ninos had been muy malos.

Then chuckling aloud, seeming muy contento, he turned like a flash y volo como viento. And I heard him exclaim y es la verdad! "Merry Christmas a todos, Feliz Navidad!"

Like most people at this time of year I’ve been thinking about shopping. Not that long ago the householder would sit in their drawing room and make a list. The list would be given to the housekeeper who would divide it up, go to the individual shops which specialised in, for instance, meat, dry food, fruit etc. and make an order. The various orders would be delivered to the house and the accounts would be settled.

Fast forward a few decades and we all want to get in our cars and drive to “out of town” superstores where we can buy everything we need under one roof. Enter the need for time and patience.

You’ve got to be living on another planet not to notice how the media are throwing statistics at us over this festive season about the amount of people shopping online. “It’s the latest must do…”  From the comfort of your own home you can browse sites specialising in individual good, purchase, have them delivered and settle your account. Could we possibly be going back to the future?

A few months ago I was listening to a programme on the local radio, a woman was talking about visiting an orphanage in Siberia. Needless to say it was a touching interview. She talked about the eerie quietness of a place holding so many children, that they had learned not to cry because it went unnoticed. The kids had no toys; she spoke of a staff doing everything possible but failing.

Somebody called the radio station after the interview to ask how they could go about sending toys to the orphanage. To cut a long story short, an appeal was launched by the radio station. They asked people to put a toy or something to stimulate the kid’s minds in a shoe box and take it to the station. Over the weeks I’ve listened to how the boxes have been pouring in, to the point where there were simply too many to send.

Last week I was listening to the radio again when, out of the blue a man called in to say he had a van and offered to take the boxes to Siberia, BUT he had to leave this week. Over the next few days I heard how people rallied to get him visas and permits to pass through the various countries, others offered to help fill the van etc. I remember thinking that there hadn’t been any mention of a co-driver, and what an amazing thing it would be to go along. Imagine dropping everything a couple of weeks before Christmas and driving 15,000 kilometres (9,000 miles) to deliver toys to kids who have nothing.

I had the radio on again on Monday and listened as the van was gradually loaded up. It left at lunchtime and the last thing the driver said was how surprised he was that nobody offered to go with him.

I’ve always thought it must be really sad to think “what if…?” and now I know how it feels.

There’s a psychological theory which explains this type of thing, I think it’s called “bystander intervention theory” or something similar. It’s basically when we (en masse) assume that somebody else will take a required action, but because we are all thinking the same thing nothing happens.

I know by writing this I run the risk of sounding like a do-gooder, which I’m not. If anything I’m pissed off in a really selfish way because I had a chance to do something worthwhile and didn’t. I don’t like knowing how it feels to think “what if..?”

I don't usually like to cut and paste, but I couldn't resist this little gem.

US author and journalist Tom Wolfe has won one of the world's most dreaded literary accolades - the British prize for bad sex in fiction.

The prize is awarded each year "to draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel".

Wolfe won it for a couple of purple passages from his latest novel I am Charlotte Simmons, a tale of campus life at an exclusive US university.

"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue," one of his winning sentences begins.

"But the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns - oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest - no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now!"

Judges described Wolfe's prose as "ghastly and boring".

The former Washington Post correspondent, whose debut novel Bonfire of the Vanities was a defining text of the 1980s, fought off stiff competition from 10 other authors including South African Andre Brink, whose novel Before I Forget contains the following description of a woman's vulva:

"[It was] like a large exotic mushroom in the fork of a tree, a little pleasure dome if ever I've seen one, where Alph the sacred river ran down to a tideless sea. No, not tideless. Her tides were convulsive, an ebb and flow that could take you very far, far back, before hurling you out, wildly and triumphantly, on a ribbed and windswept beach without end."

Another writer who only narrowly escaped the prize was Britain's Nadeem Aslam for his novel Maps for Lost Lovers, a tale of life in a Muslim community in an English town.

"His mouth looked for the oiled berry," one of his raunchiest passages starts.

"The smell of his armpits was on her shoulders - a flower depositing pollen on a hummingbird's forehead," another reads.

The winner of the award, organised by the London-based Literary Review, is given an Oscar-style statuette and a bottle of champagne - but only if he or she goes to the awards ceremony in person.

Organisers said Wolfe, who is based in New York, was the first writer in the 12-year history of the competition to decline his invitation.

-Reuters

The British government have given out a health warning concerning “The Office Christmas Party”. They feel it necessary to warn people that photocopying your usually hidden bits is potentially bad for your health, think broken glass. And as if that wasn’t patronising enough, they also warn that dancing on your desk is dangerous because it may not be as sturdy as your table at home. Hmm interesting… Oh come Mr. Blair, are you trying to tell us that none of this goes on at the “Number Ten” Christmas bash?

(There’s a very scary imagine of Gordon Brown and a photocopier drifting across my mind).

Seeing as I work for myself I tend not to do the Christmas party thing, but this year’s going to be different. I’ve decided (or should I say “the management decided”) to skip all the expense of food and drinks and go straight into the photocopying and dancing on the desk bit.

Hold on, can you smell that? That’s the sweet smell of rebellion.

Last Christmas the Other Andaloo bought me a mood ring. When I’m happy it glows green. When I’m angry it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe this year he’ll give a little more thought to my present.

Last week I found the village post office, it also doubles up as a bank. Normally when I think of the post office I think of long queues and impersonal service, but I should have known it would be different here in the Land That Time Forgot. It’s the ground floor of somebody’s house, presumably either the bank manager or post master. It’s a small room with a desk, a set of scales and a big basket. In the middle of the room was parked a moped with a goat tethered to it. The rest of the space was filled by women.

Spanish people don’t do queuing, they do mobbing. The trick is to ask “who’s the last” as you enter a room like this and then fight your way through as that person finishes. Once I’d worked out my place in the mob I stood back and watched. There was absolutely no system. The woman behind the desk was trying to do several things at once but achieving nothing. At one point she looked up and noticed me, the only man and obviously a foreigner. She shouted across the room “what do you want foreigner?” I shouted back that I wanted to send a package.

Her: Have you got the stamps?

Me: No, that’s why I’m here.

She took the parcel, weighed it and told me how much it was going to cost. I then had to go across the road to the cigarette shop and tell Maria how many stamps I needed, then bring them back. I did that, and when I returned she put the stamps on the parcel and threw it into the big basket.

Her: Don’t you live in that street up near the castle?

Me: (Wondering how she knew where I lived) Yes I do.

Her: Hold on, I think I’ve got something for you.

She started emptying the same basket that she’d thrown my outgoing parcel into. Eventually she found a packet addressed to me and handed it over. What a great system!

Another revelation. I’ve lived here for nearly a year, and in all that time I’ve staggered back and forth to the shops for water. Now, call me slow but I’ve just realised that the whole village is surrounded by natural springs. So, with pioneering spirit I’m off today in search of water. I may be some time.

I’ve discovered a new gizmo. It’s a bit like email, though not as fast (unless you have a service provider like mine), but much more flexible. Using this service enables you to send three dimensional matter, also known as “objects” anywhere you want. Using a stylus type tool gives you the option to add not just a signature but even a limitless sized note. Exciting stuff eh!

The Post Office…you’ve got to love it.

This is a long holiday weekend here in Spain. Today (Monday) is day of The Constitution and Wednesday is also a public holiday for the Immaculate Conception. Seeing as Tuesday is sat in the middle of the two holidays everybody takes that day off too, known as a bridging day. Lots of people go away for this five day break, so on Friday after work the roads around the country were very busy. E.T.A. (the Basque separatist group) chose Friday evening to detonate five bombs in petrol stations around Madrid. Thankfully nobody was hurt, they gave a half hour warning of where the bombs were planted. It was basically a reminder to the Government of what they were capable of.

I was listening to the radio earlier today when there was a news flash. E.T.A. had planted another seven bombs in separate cities, all timed to go off at 1.30 pm. As the minutes ticked away my stomach turned. I just kept hoping that they’d given the authorities more than the ten minutes we knew about to clear the areas where the bombs were. Ten minutes.

One thirty finally came and went, and all I could do was wait to hear what had happened.

Bit by bit news came in, as each bomb exploded. Again, thankfully they weren’t big bombs and from what I can gather at the moment nobody was killed.

What on earth is going through the minds of these bastards?